Late Night Snark: Welcome to Our Banana Republic Edition
"In the new Gallup poll, [Trump’s] approval rating is down to 36 percent with 60 percent disapproval. Trump's underwater in every category. According to a new YouGov poll, he's very unpopular overall as president: unpopular on the economy, health care, the Epstein investigation, education, and on the environment. Donald Trump is also the most-hated Zootopia character, the lowest rated mid-size sedan, and the least-popular Oreo flavor: Double-Stuf Cankle."
—Stephen Colbert
"Last night President Trump posted over 160 times on Truth Social, averaging more than one post per minute. Well, I think we know where all of Venezuela's cocaine has been going."
—Jimmy Fallon
"For god's sakes, man, were you not curious at all? When they laid you down for half an hour to forty-five minutes, you didn't wanna know what they might be doing? Or did you just think to yourself, What a loud tanning bed?"
—Jon Stewart, on Trump claiming he didn't know what or where his MRI was scanning
"In the middle of an active war against drug traffickers, Donald Trump has pardoned a man who smuggled in enough cocaine to give every American ‘resting Kash Patel face.’ "
—The Daily Show's Josh Johnson
"In a post on Truth Social, Trump tested out new nicknames for a Trump Republican, including Tepublican and Tpublican...leading to a new diagnosis called Tementia."
—Seth Meyers
"What a cabinet we have. We have twice-baked RFK Jr., who is now embroiled in a sex and drug scandal with a reporter nearly 40 years his junior. Our Secretary of 'War' is murdering unidentified civilians and trying to throw the admiral who is following orders under the boat. The director of the FBI is reportedly using a private jet for personal travel with his country-music star girlfriend and delayed an investigation 'til someone brought him an 'FBI' jacket that fit his little body.
We've got the attorney general turning the Justice Department into the Keystone Cops. We have a wrestling magnate running the Department of Education who wants to get rid of the Department of Education. Our Secretary of Homeland Security has somehow made killing a puppy one of the least-controversial things she's done. And our health care is in the vitamin-powered supplement hands of Dr. Oz.
They have better-quality cabinets at Ikea. And they were all there today to make sure the president's colonoscopy didn't miss anything."
—Jimmy Kimmel, on the boot-licking demonstration at Tuesday's cabinet meeting that put Trump into a deep slumber
“My favorite thing about this is that this is one you can fact-check at home—you don’t need to count on the professionals to do this. When you go to the grocery store and you get your bill, you can say: ‘Donald Trump says I can afford this!’ And just see if it works. You may not have the money, but if Trump says that's a hoax, check it yourself.”
—Rachel Maddow on Trump calling 'affordability' a 'Democrat scam,' on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 5, 2025
Note: Tonight on NewsCenter—Arson charges pending after Jeanette and Isabella admit to bringing a torch to Mr. McGillicutty’s tool shed on Riverside Drive during a drinking binge. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til Festivus: 18
Days 'til the annual Holiday Concert and Santa on the Pier in Redondo Beach, California: 8
Drop in private-sector jobs in November, according to ADP: -32,000
Percent chance that an inspector general's report concludes Pete Hegseth risked endangering troops by sharing secret war plans on a Signal chat: 100%
Over-performance for Democrat Aftyn Behn in Tuesday's TN-07 congressional special election: 13 points
Number of streams for Bad Bunny in 2025, making him the most-streamed artist of the year: 19.8 billion
Number of the four calling birds that no longer have a land line: 3
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Cute, cute, cute…and so is the puppy.
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CHEERS to the sweet smell of victory. Mad King TACO hasn't ended a single international war during either of his presidencies. But he has launched several against his own country, and apparently he's in the process of losing one of the biggest ones: his attack on free and fair elections next November…
In the gerrymandering war between Democrats and Republicans heading into the 2026 midterms and the 2028 presidential election, there is a clear winner right now: The Dems.
Waiting in the wings: Virginny, where Democrats could tilt the map to 10 to 1 for Team D.
That’s what Jonathan Cervas, a redistricting expert and assistant professor at Carnegie Mellon University, told Mediaite founder Dan Abrams on Abrams’ SiriusXM radio program on Wednesday. “If nothing changes, as [the districts] are right now, Democrats have clearly won this war,” Cervas said. “Without a doubt.”
He added that, while Missouri and other states may make some gains on the Republican side, they will be “very minimal” compared to California and other blue states.
He has met the enemy and he is him.
CHEERS to unclogging the pipes. Well, well, well. It looks like the five-year hunt for the mysterious wannabe pipe-bomber, who left explosives (that never went off) next to both DNC and RNC headquarters in Washington, D.C. just before Trump's January 6, 2021 coup attempt. I've spoken to my MAGA sources, and they tell me it was a vast conspiracy involving:
Hillary Clinton
Joe Biden
George Soros
Shifty Adam Schiff
The Somalians and/or Haitians
The entire pizzeria basement construction industry
Canada
Pete "Boot Edge Edge"
Deep State II (the one that formed after President Trump rooted out the first one)
Them. Those people. You know who. Stop pretending.
Or it was some guy named Brian Cole. But just to be safe, we'll lock them all up until we find out what the hell is going on.
CHEERS to sweet victory. On December 5, 1792, George Washington won reelection. It was a brutal campaign. His challenger was a real jerk named...um...George Washington. Watching him debate himself was actually a little creepy:
"Shan't!"
Fact: Washington’s win was due to a little girl’s suggestion that he grow whiskers.
"Shall!"
"Shan't!"
"Shall!"
”Thou can’st sticketh a rubber—or rubber-like, depending upon the seasonal availability of materials—hose uppeth thy snooty Virginia nose.”
"Thy wife weareth the boots of a paymaster in the Continental Army!"
"Okay, okay...thou hast me there, I concedeth the point."
"Then bullocks to you, I win!"
Did I mention he built his own distillery?
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to "Martin Van Ruin." Our 8th president turns 243 today (but he doesn’t look a day over 239). In the “negative” column, he sat around picking his nose during the depression and panic of 1837, did nothing about slavery, and was on duty during the time of the shameful Trail of Tears. In the “plus” column, he averted conflicts with Britain and Canada. In the "sleeping on the couch" column, he never once mentioned his wife Hannah (who died at 36 before he reached the White House) in his autobiography. Interesting tidbit from The Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:
Martin Van Buren was renowned for not taking a stand.
Van Buren's nickname was “Old Kinderhook,” which was the genesis of the phrase we now know as “O.K.”
One story, which Van Buren admits to in his autobiography, tells how one senator accepted a bet that he could actually make Van Buren admit to something with finality. "It's been rumored that the sun rises in the east," said the senator to Van Buren. "Do you believe it?" "Well, Senator," came the reply, "I understand that's the common acceptance, but as I never get up till after dawn, I can't really say."
Oh, and before his one-way trip to the Alamo, Congressman Davy Crocket said: “Martin Van Buren is laced up in corsets, such as women in a town wear, and if possible tighter than the best of them. It would be difficult to say from his personal appearance, whether he was a man or a woman, but for his large red and gray whiskers." Fox News would never hire Crockett as a pundit today. Too restrained.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Sure, the world's crumbling around us…but at least we've got the magic talking picture box to make things better. If you’re in a nostalgic holiday mood, there’s the 61st annual running of Rudolph on NBC at 8. At 8:30 on PBS’s Firing Line Margaret Hoover talks with biographer Sam Tanenhaus about his new tome on William F. Buckley Jr. Or if you’re in a brain-fakeout mood, there’s a new episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! on the CW.
...for 61 years.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Netflix’s Stranger Things 5 is the hot online event at the moment, while Zootopia 2 is packing theaters.) The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NFL schedule is here. Comedy goddess Melissa McCarthy hosts SNL.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: reports on betting outfit Polymarket and a profile of Spanish soccer star Lamine Yamal. Decent holiday favorite The Santa Clause airs at 8:30 on ABC, while Principal Skinner finds out that one of his students is a runaway living in the school library on The Simpsons (Fox). No John Oliver or Last Week Tonight Sunday at 11, so we suggest you spend the time wassailing through a bullhorn from your balcony instead.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senator Adam Schiff (D-CA); Nincompoop Tom Cotton (Fascist-AR); Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC).
The panel asks tough questions about the diminishing affordability of catnip Sunday on “Meet the Pooties.”
This Week: Rep. Adam Smith (D-WA); Senator Eric Schmitt (Fascist-MO); Machine Research Institute President Nate Sores on the dangers of A.I. (Spoiler alert: it can lead to severe cases of scurvy.)
Face the Nation: Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN).
CNN's State of the Union: Sens. Tammy Duckworth (D-IL) and John Curtis (Fascist-UT).
Fox Fascism Sunday: Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA); Anduril Industries (drone maker) CEO Palmer Luckey.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 5, 2015
JEERS to things America neither requires nor desires. Dick Cheney's lengthy list of war crimes couldn’t get him sent to The Hague, it couldn't get him sent into exile in disgrace, and it couldn’t get him bumped off the Sunday morning shows. And now we also know that the sonuvabitch's war crimes couldn’t even prevent him from getting the Roman God treatment: a bust in the hallowed halls of Congress. I got nothing to say, I'm so gobsmacked, so I'll let someone else say it for me:
Dick Cheney bust was made by Halliburton from crushed bones of Iraqi children glued together with crocodile tears from hawkish draft dodgers
—Mrs. Betty Bowers (@BettyBowers) on twitter
And filled with sweets and flowers, no doubt.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to delightfully twisted minds. Tomorrow is comedian, Oscar winner (1989 Best Short Live-Action Film for The Appointments of Dennis Jennings) and multiple Grammy nominee Steven Wright's 70th birthday. To describe him beyond the single word "deadpan" is futile, so don’t even try. (However, he recently explained the method to his madness on Conan O’Brien’s podcast.) Just feast on some of his brain food and feel your neurons tingle…
“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”
Red Sox fan. Jus’ sayin’.
“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
“I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!"
“I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
“My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Go here and you can eat the whole bag. Oh, and extra points for including a Maine lighthouse (Cape Neddick) as the background on the home page of his website. He always did like us best.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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